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In my first posting, I talked about spirituality and being whole. I pointed out that as children most of us have gotten the message that somehow we weren’t good enough by just being ourselves, and thus began to separate, to fragment ourselves and suppress what we were led to believe was the “unacceptable” part of ourselves.

Often, in a child’s reasoning, the unacceptable part is the part that allows him/her to be vulnerable, open to criticism and hurt. The tender, creative, joyful part that when protected by innocence, just flows and blossoms like a delicate flower. And is the first part to go into hiding when faced with the blank wall of uncomprehension or criticism.

How can we help our children to keep that part alive? To have the self-confidence that comes from feeling whole? Here is a good place to start……….

See your child. Actually take the courage to see her/him for who she/he is, not what you planned or want her/him to be. Your child may be taking up your time, your energy, your sleep, your finances, but he/she is NOT taking up your soul space.There is enough room in your life for both of you. Your child’s bigness does not detract from your bigness….if you are sensing a loss of self, those seeds were sown long before your child came along.

So don’t be afraid to look into your child’s eyes many times a day and acknowledge who he/she is at that very moment. You may not even understand it. Doesn’t matter…..acknowledge it with grace and generosity, and the understanding will probably come along. A child who is given that ackowledgement is more likely to feel safe enough to try to explain what is going on inside.

Being seen, being “witnessed” as I have heard it called recently, is one of our deepest desires. Give of it generously to your child, and you will BOTH be rewarded, now and further down the line.

Enjoy!

So many people ask me for useful tips, or the surefire way to deal with certain recurring situations with their children. My answer is usually not quite what they hoped for, but often more useful than rules or formulas. When we apply rules, we will for sure have to break them sooner or later. Rules are super useful and necessary to give our family life structure. But one rule may work for one child and not for another. Or it may work for one family and not the other. Or for one phase of life, and not for the next.

So when I’m asked such an open question as, “Do you have any tips for me?”, I won’t assume right off the bat that I can know which rule or formula will work for this person and his/her family. But I will suggest these following inner attitudes to aim for:

-Before passing any judgement or reaction to your child’s behaviour, take a breath. Or two. Give yourself the space to see if you are being reactionary and emotional, and whether with a moment’s reflection you can understand what is going on better,or change your tactic if this one is repeatedly not working.

-Remember you are the parent. And you chose to be.

-Don’t say anything you aren’t truly prepared to follow through on. How can anyone take us seriously if we aren’t following through?

-Don’t ask any question you aren’t prepared to hear an honest (and perhaps unexpected) answer to. You cannot enter into a dialogue with your child with a pre-prepared script.

By working with these simple but challenging inner stances, you will be building confidence between yourself and your child, and you may find your own custom solution to your specific situation that suits yourself and your family just perfectly.

It’s worth a try!

I’ve been blessed with three beautiful daughters, and I wouldn’t be the person I am without them! In retrospect, I don’t regret one single challenge, not one single moment when I wanted to pull out my own hair or resign from my job as Mom. It’s amazing how fast time flies…..the saying is actually based on fact! Before one knows it, one’s 5 year old is fifteen, and the issue of the day is soooooo different.

But I discovered along my journey that the inner resources I’ve had to pull up from somewhere deep in my heart, (or gut, or left leg), to meet these challenges have always been the same no matter how old my child was. Patience is patience, no matter what. Being open and receptive is crucial to communication with a 3 year old as much as with a 16 year old. Loving firmness is a basic tool that must never waver. In fact, it’s clear to me now that during the younger years, I was growing up along with my children, training and honing my skills so that when they became teens I was so good at my job as Mom that I didn’t “lose” them. Teen time is the proverbial “generation gap” time, and one can actually lose one’s child. I’ve seen that happen too often, and always hoped it wouldn’t happen to me……..sometimes I wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t. I count my blessing that it didn’t! Now I’m enjoying a degree of mutual respect and support with my daughters that I could not have imagined when they stormed out of the room in a huff at 12, screaming “I hate you mummy”

So enjoy the challenges! Rise to the occasion, even if it is the 900th time! They’re blessings in disguise, and believe me, one can even get nostalgic about them in later years, when one is facing other more hard core situations. Take heart, don’t give up on yourself or your child…..you’re both so worth it!

So many of us have embarked on our “spiritual path”, or wish we had the time to do so. What this implies is that there is a special path to take, separate from our “normal” life. Separate from the dishwashing, nappie changing, housework, job etc. Separate from our very human emotions, our dramas and our relationships. It implies that only when we access that golden realm of zen beingness are we being spiritual.

I would like to disagree! Our spiritual life includes all of our “normal” life. And I’d like to roll back with you to your childhood, so that you can understand yourself and your children better. You came to this planet Earth as a full-fledged soul embarking on a new journey in a wee little physical body. The only small thing about you was this wee body and your experience portfolio. The rest was huge. Big soul, big personality to match. Everything you experienced, every choice you made, every illness and owie, were part of your spiritual self. Because you ARE spirit. We are made to feel separate or non-spiritual through a gradual, steady input that we aren’t good enough just as we are. For a small child that means that BEING him/herself is not good enough. That’s where we begin to separate.

So our kids are spiritual too! They eat breathe and grow their spirituality. They live spirit. Have you ever looked into the the eyes of a child and felt in awe of their depth and clarity? That is because they haven’t separated yet.

We can help them stay whole, to not separate. So that when they’re older they don’t have to rediscover their spiritual path, but rather can continue on the path they already are on. I’ll be sharing my thoughts on that with you soon………..click on the blue blurb at the top to leave a comment…. I’d love to hear your experiences and feedback!